this is the new year

Cheers to 2010, the year that I became a mom and my whole world changed.  For the better.

Happy New Year!


Isaac's First Christmas

My baby boy is 7 months old today!  Can't believe we both survived this long :)  He's such a blessing to us!

Here are some pictures from Isaac's first Christmas!  He had (and still has) a bad cold that day, but he was a trooper and had lots of fun despite his runny nose and cough.

Sitting with his stocking.

Sitting w/ Andrew and Di in front of Grandma's Christmas tree, looking at the train.

He sat on dadda's lap while he opened presents.

Here he is opening his present from cousin Elijah!

He helped Grandma open her presents.

He hung out with Grandpa.

He watched Mama struggle to rip open his toy packaging...

He was a very chubby Santa :)


I'll be home for Christmas....if only in my dreams.

Where is home anyway?  It's not where it used to be.  It has never stayed in the same place for very long.  It's no longer in Apollo, PA, where I did a lot of my growing up.  It's not in the apartment where we lived in Temecula for 2 short years.  It's not in the secluded Fallbrook house, surrounded by avocado trees.  It's where he is, where they are, where we are.  My home is with my family, Andrew and Isaac.

But there is a little piece of my home in Pennsylvania where my sister and her family live, and where my brother lives.  Another piece is in Huntington Beach, where my parents live.  The other pieces are scattered.  Some in Murrieta and Temecula, and other parts of CA, others still in Colorado, Tennessee, Nevada, and even Germany.  If it's true that home is really where the heart is, then my home is where my friends and family are.

I hear baby stirring from his nap.  Hope you all are able to have a little piece of home with you this Christmas.


sugar cookies

It wouldn't be Christmas time without sugar cookies!  Yesterday I wiped off the counter, poured on some flour, and made a huge mess rolling out dough.  It was fun.

The whole time I had a captive audience.

Can't believe that I can leave him sitting like this while I make cookies.

It's starting to really feel like Christmas around here.  Isaac watched A Charlie Brown Christmas with Daddy.

He also got his first real hair cut.

Lastly, some pictures of the Christmas goings-on around our house.


Baby Food and Blah, Blah, Blah

Something that I've been able to do for Isaac is make baby food.  It's so very easy, it can save money, and it's healthy!  I took some pictures so I can share how I did it.

Step One: 
Start with foods approved for young babies to eat.  I just typed "stage 1 homemade baby food" into Google and found this site - wholesomebabyfood.com .  It spells out what foods to use, how to pick good ones, how to prepare, cook, store, freeze, thaw, and serve.  Check it out!  I know that Isaac likes pears, so I started with those.  Peel and core, then chop up into small chunks.  Put in a small saucepan and add enough water to just cover the pears.  Bring to a boil, and cook on medium high until pears are nice and soft (which, with pears, they already were nice and soft, and you don't even need to cook them if they are very ripe, but I did anyway).

Step Two: Remove the pears from the water with a slotted spoon (don't drain, save the water in case you need to thin out the pear puree) and place in a food processor.  In this case, I'm using a baby food maker my sister gave me.  Then simply puree.  Add water as needed for thinning, or, if your baby is a little older, add cereal or oatmeal for thickening.

Step Three: Store!  I found these "baby cubes" on Amazon for pretty inexpensive.  They are 2 oz cubes.   You can freeze them, and they are dishwasher safe.

There you have it.  Other foods I've used are sweet potatoes, apples, and carrots.  Many foods don't even need to be cooked, as long as they are ripe.  You can refer to the wholesome baby food website above for more info about that.

Isaac talks.  That's right.  He says, "blah, blah, blah."  All the time.  It's cute.  He also says a lot of things that don't mean anything, like,"da, ba, hom" - the list goes on.  I love it.  At his 6 month check up he weighed 15.4 lbs and was 27.5 inches tall.


Sigh No More

The album 'Sigh No More' by Mumford and Sons is, in a word, superb. I'm lovin' it. I don't like country music, but I like blue grass. I'm not sure what M&S is considered to be, not country I'm sure. There is a lot of great banjo pickin', and for some reason I'm really into that lately. I've also been listening to Nickel Creek. Good stuff.

Christmas music made it's way into our house the day after Thanksgiving, but I'm being very careful to limit how much I listen to it. I don't want to get sick of it too soon!

My baby will be six months old tomorrow. That's right. I can't believe it either. It feels like just yesterday that God helped me push him into this world. He came out wriggling, gurgling, covered in goo, and crying. I never felt relief like I did when I heard that he was healthy, when I saw that he had all of his fingers and toes, and when he looked up at me from my chest and stopped crying for a second as I looked into his eyes. I don't remember much else, but I remember that. Relief, and my baby's dark eyes. His little head had a raised portion on it that was dark purple. (not surprising, I mean, it took me two hours to push him out. My head would be weirdly shaped if I was, well, being squeezed down there for that long.)

The rest of the details are blurry.  I remember my good friend Kari being there.  I remember Andrew's parents and sister coming in and taking pictures of themselves with Isaac.  I remember being sewn up for a long time.  Being more tired than I had ever felt in my entire life, and finally understanding the true meaning of the word exhausted.  The nurse who helped me through the first few hours with no epidural, Di Anna.  She might have been an angel sent straight from heaven just for me.  The nurse who helped me later, I think her name was Sally.  Sally?  I think.  Anyway, she was like a nice drill sargent (oxymoron?) - spouting commands that I needed, in a firm, but gentle manner.  She kept telling me "you're wasting your energy, save it for pushing."

Back to the baby.

He was squishy, warm, soft, good-smelling, wrinkly, snuggly.  He snorted like a piglet every now and then.  He barfed up a lot of amniotic fluid and scared me half to death (for those who don't know, the first time a baby barfs is a traumatizing experience for his mother.  It really seemed like he was choking!).  He was starving, but neither of us knew how get him food; breastfeeding is rough for a first time mom, at least it was for me.

It took me a few minutes, but when it hit me, it was intense.  It didn't happen immediately like I thought it would, but it did happen.  I think it was always within me, but it was buried deeply, and took awhile to find it's way to the surface.   I'm talking about love.  A different love than any I've felt before.

Now when I hear songs about Jesus and what he did for us, it makes me cry.  It always meant a lot to me, and I've been known to get choked up about it here and there.  Something is different now.  I can relate - to a small degree.  I have a son.  I can't imagine giving him up to suffer the way Christ did.  How did God do it?  The very thought puts a frog in my throat.

Thank you God.  Thank you.  Thank you for giving up your son to die for me.  Thank you for giving me a son.  Thank you that you've kept him alive and thriving for 6 months.  May I never be selfish with him.  Bless him, and make him into a man who follows after you with his whole heart.


count your blessings instead of sheep

Daily Blessings:
1) Jesus.  Without him this life would be nothing, mean nothing, amount to nothing.  He died a terrible, horrible, gruesome, painful, lonely death to pay the penalty for my sin and the sins of the world.  Yes, I believe it!  He lives again, in me and through me.  He gives me strength when I have none, love when I feel unloved, peace when my world is chaos.

2) Andrew.  Who else would put up with me?  He loves me for who I am, accepts me, understands me.  He is a gift from God!

3) Isaac.  There is nothing like the look he gives me when Andrew brings him home from grandma's.  Big smile, the genuine kind that is rare to see these days.  Then his arms reach for me, and his smile and laugh turn into something desperate as if to say, "I missed you mom!  Pick me up NOW!"

The list goes on.  Friends, family, house, bed, car, food, fresh smelling laundry, pens that write smoothly, brightly colored leaves drifting lazily off of trees, the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, feel. Breath in my lungs.

I'm a pessimist.  It's easy for me to dwell on negative things, and my cup is always half empty instead of half full.  So I count my blessings.  That helps me remember all the good in my life so that when things are bad, I realize, they really aren't THAT bad.

Baby food update:  Isaac likes rice cereal, pears, and sweet potatoes.  In a few days I'll be introducing green beans.  Right now we are just feeding him solids so that he can practice eating them.  He doesn't need them.  Breast milk has all the nutrients he needs to grow healthy and strong for many more months.  He only eats solids at dinner time right now, and only a very small amount - probably an ounce.  In a little while I'll be able to give him solids at 2 meals, and then a little while after that, 3 meals.  For now, it's just a fun activity for Isaac, Mama, and Dad.

Today Isaac was on his tummy playing with his toys, when he put his head on the ground and stuck his butt up in the air!  Andrew looked at me with the biggest smile.  He'll be crawling before we know it.  I always tell him to take his time, I'm in no rush for him to grow up.


baby food

We've been giving Isaac "real" food for a few months now, here and there, but not consistently.  I've discovered that he doesn't like apples, or bananas.  The proof is in the pictures.  He really likes the spoon though!


it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

I wish I could learn to be content.  I have so much to be thankful for; I have so many things that others don't have.  A house.  A bed.  A job.  A family.  Food.

With all that, I still find myself always wanting more.  A bigger house.  A more comfortable bed.  Not having to work.  Better food.  Different circumstances.

I was having a bad night last night, the kind where I just wanted to get in bed, throw the covers over my head, and forget the world.  My back has been hurting a lot lately, so I decided to try and put a foam pad on top of my mattress.  Andrew went up in the attic and brought it down for me.  It was what I used to sleep on way back when I lived with Lisa in the Washburn's basement apartment.  When we unrolled it, I could see that there was a verse written on it.  1 Corinthians 14:33.  After we put the foam pad and the sheet back on the mattress, I kissed Andrew and tucked myself into bed.  I grabbed my Bible.  It was on the bottom of a pile of books beside my bed.  I flipped to 1 Corinthians, and this is what I read in the 33rd verse of the 14th chapter, "For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace."

Sometimes what I read in the Bible goes, sadly, in one eye and out the other.  Other times, rarely, the words jump out at me from the page and hit me right where I am.  I think God reserves these times for when I'm at my lowest point, when life feels hopeless.  That's what happened to me last night.  I was feeling miserable, trapped in circumstances that I couldn't control.  Everything felt out of sorts, disorderly.  Just when I thought that maybe God had stopped listening, stopped caring, He gave me the verse from 1 Corinthians.  And  with that in mind, I was able to turn out the light and fall fast asleep.

And, because I can, I'll share with you some recent pictures of the tiny love of my life.


the booger man

Halloween!  One of my favorite holidays.  I'm usually the one who holds a party at my house filled with costumes, candy, and cupcakes, but I decided against it this year.  Isaac is just getting used to going to bed at the same time every night, and I don't feel like throwing a wrench into his already fragile sleep schedule.  I'm even going to keep the porch light off so we don't get a bunch of trick or treaters ringing the doorbell all night.  I must say that I will miss the festivities.  It'll be better next year, when Isaac is walking and (hopefully) sleeping better.  To all those going to parties or trick or treating, have a fun night!


reality bites

I wish life was like the movies.  You realize that you struggle with something, you have an epiphany, you confront that struggle, you move on, life is grand.  This entire transformation takes about 2 hours.  Why can't real life be like that?


Turn and face the strain

The last time I posted I was working on a "no cry" sleep solution with Isaac.  That proved to be unsuccessful.  In fact, it made him sleep less.  That said, I think it was helpful for me in a lot of ways.  It taught me a lot about how a baby sleeps, and also some new methods for soothing.  I also started keeping track of when Isaac sleeps, and that has been helpful.  We've been trying some other things that seem to be working, one of which is letting him cry a little.  A few times he has slept for 4 hours straight, which is a huge improvement.  The last couple nights have been rough for him, but I think that's because he had his second round of vaccinations on Friday.

At his 4 month check up his stats were : weight13 lbs 14 oz, height 25 3/4 inches, head circumference 16 inches.

I love autumn.  It's my favorite season.  I love seeing pumpkins everywhere.  I love the way the sun glistens through the trees that God has painted all different colors.  I love wearing sweaters, vests, jackets.  I love winter too, so I'm excited for that to get here soon!  I heard a rumor that we're going to have more snow this year than we did last year, so that's exciting.

Here's a few recent pictures of my little buddy.



The Sleep Solution Continues

Day 6

Has it only been 6 days?

The first few days of this were a nightmare.  Isaac went from sleeping for 3 to 4 hours when I first put him down, to sleeping 40 minutes if I was lucky.  He went from waking up, eating, and going back to sleep peacefully for at least an hour, to waking up, eating, and then needing to be swaddled/rocked/bounced/patted for at least ten minutes before he would fall asleep again.  After he finally fell asleep, I would slowly try to put him back in his crib (rocking him just inches over the mattress, putting his feet down first, with my hand still underneath his little bum, all the while still moving his head back and forth with the hand that was cradling it, slowly removing my hand from under his bum and putting his head down slowly and then gingerly removing my hand from under his head...............) only to have him start crying like a crazy man again.

The first night, I literally got out of bed 15 times.  I know this because I kept track.  There were times when I would lay down for only 30 seconds before I had to get up again.  I think Sunday night was the worst (we started this on Friday) because I had gone through 2 nights of this, and 2 days of Isaac sleeping 40 minutes, six times a day.  One night I even tried to let him cry.  I let him cry for 2 minutes.  He was hoarse by the time I picked him up, chocking on his saliva - and when I picked him up he barfed all over me.

Monday morning I woke up, after sleeping for 20 minutes, and was sick as a dog.  My body just gave out on me.  I was throwing up, I had body aches, my head ached, I felt like a train had hit me.  Luckily I don't work on Mondays.  Grandma took Isaac (thank God!) because I was in no shape to take care of him, and dad couldn't take off work.  As soon as I was able to see Isaac safely on his way to grandma's with dad, I took 2 Tylenol PM (at 7 am) and crashed.  My body won't let me sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time, even with drugs.  So, I woke up at 8:30.  But I think that I was able to go back to sleep for at least a little while.  I stayed in bed until 12:30.  After resting, taking a 20 minute shower, and eating lunch without woofing it down, I felt much better.

Whatever I had done to change Isaac's schedule, which really wasn't much, turned his (and my) whole world upside down for a few days.  I'm happy to report that things slowly seem to be getting better.  Last night we put him to bed around 8.  I heard him stirring in the monitor at 8:45 ish, and was devastated that he might not sleep for more than 40 minute stretches again.  But, after a few coos and whimpers, he went back to sleep!  I think he's starting, slowly, to learn how to fall back to sleep on his own.  He slept for 3 hours!  Then ate, then 2 1/2 more hours!  Then 1 1/2, then 2, then 1 1/2.  4 wake ups is a HUGE improvement.  Tonight was our best bed time yet, I think.  He was pretty content this time - when before he would fuss and cry and give us heck for a long time just before he went to bed.  Tonight he sat in his bouncy seat staring at dad for a long time, let me change him into something cooler for night time (since we swaddle him), put him in a night time diaper (best discovery I ever made...thank you to whoever bought me those pampers diapers for my baby shower!) and nurse him without any complaints.  I laid him down, swaddled him, and he closed his eyes.  Before I nursed him I had a good long talk with him.  It went something like this:

"I love you so much.  I'm here for you.  I will wake up with you 15 times if that's what it takes, because I know that you need me.  But I want you to know that it's ok for you to sleep for long stretches at a time.  Your crib is a safe place.  Dad and I are just across the hall, and we will come anytime you need us.  You'll feel better if you sleep longer, I promise.  I know from experience.  I also know that I'll be a better mom for you if I'm not exhausted.  You don't have to sleep through the night right now, you can take your time.  But it's ok for you to start sleeping longer now. "

So, it's getting better.  It might take a long time, but it'll happen eventually.  I didn't really get anything new from the book, as far as tactics to try.  I tried them for a few days but ditched them when they weren't working.  We do things pretty much the same way that we did before, but we have a better attitude about it.  We're more patient, more understanding, more, whatever.  So even though I haven't used that many methods from the book, it helped me have a better outlook on the whole situation.


Reluctant to Go to Sleep

If I'm typing , that must mean that my baby is asleep. He is. Why then, you might ask, am I not asleep? Well, I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not afraid like a little kid is afraid of a monster hiding under her bed, more like reluctant. As soon as I fall asleep, I'm sure that my son will wake up and need me. I love being needed by him, don't get me wrong. There is nothing like knowing that someone, especially someone so little and adorable, needs me. But when I got to sleep and get woken up, a lot of times very suddenly, out of a deep sleep, my brain is clouded by a thick fog, and it's impossible not to be frustrated. Just now Isaac woke up and I was level headed. I knew just what to do to calm him down and get him back to sleep quickly. When I experience one if the rude awakenings, however , I am not level headed, and everything feels impossible.

So you see, I am reluctant to got to sleep - even though my eyes are heavy and every muscle in my body aches.

Sleep training isn't going well, but it's only day 2. I refuse to give up. I'm going to give it awhile. If it doesn't seem to be helping after a few weeks, I'll try something else.

In the meantime, I enjoy watching my son grow and learn. He's so curious, and it's thrilling to see him take everything in. I find myself wondering what he's going to like. What is he going to do? What kind of music will he like? Will he play sports, be in a band, be a world traveller? Will be hyper, relaxed, outgoing, shy? What things will he learn from me and his dad? Will he grow up strong , healthy, happy?

Then I return to the present, and realize, with a smile, that all I need to think about right now is being here for him and loving him. The biggest blessing of all is that for now, he's still small enough to fit perfectly in my arms.


No-Cry Sleep Solution

Day 1 - following Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution 
Visit her website:

After keeping a few nights of sleep logs, and then keeping a nap log today, we're heading into our first night of trying to get longer/better sleep without Isaac having to 'crying it out.'  A few things I did differently today:

1) Came up with some key words that I will say to Isaac when he is calm and peaceful and near sleep.  Once he gets used to hearing those words, they can be used as a cue to help calm him down, and even help him settle down for sleep.

2) Watched closely for signs that Isaac was sleepy.  A good friend told me to try to put him to sleep before I even start seeing the signs, or it might be too late.  Babies that are overly tired have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep - they don't know that sleep is what they need to make them feel better.  Isaac starts getting sleepy when he's been awake for close to 2 hours, especially in the mornings.  Although I'm not a big fan of watching the clock, it can be helpful when trying to get your baby down for a nap before he gets past the point of no return and is too tired.  When I start seeing signs - glazed over eyes, slow blinking, eyes drooping, hands moving up towards to face, yawning - I know I better try to get him to bed immediately.

3)  I love holding my sleeping baby, but when I hold him and he's asleep, he gets used to sleeping in my arms. I think there are times, special occasions, for holding him when he's asleep, but I think that it's important to put him down in crib most of the time so that he gets used to sleeping there.  Today, when I noticed that it was around the time for him to have a nap or saw any signs that he was tired, I gave him his pacifier and bounced him for awhile.  When I felt his body start to droop and his breathing became more slow and even, I put him in his crib.  He is still awake at this point, sucking away on his pacifier.  I still swaddle him (I kept him un-swaddled tonight just to try it out, and he lasted 5 minutes in his crib until he was awake again) so I did that tightly.  His eyes slowly closed.

4) The next thing I did was take out his pacifier.  I think pacifiers are great, but I want Isaac to be able to sleep without it.  If he goes to sleep with it, and it falls out, and then he wakes up without it, he might have a hard time falling back to sleep.  So I'm going to try to use it to help him fall asleep, but then before he is asleep take it out.  The first couple times he didn't like being without it, but I used Pantley's guide to help remove it.  Take it out, give it back, take it out, give it back...and eventually when I took it out, he was ok and fell to sleep.  I was able to do this 3 times successfully.

5) We started a bedtime routine.  We have always kind of done the same thing before bed anyway, but now it's more a conscious thing.  Bath, jammies, nursery time (play with toys, read books, listen to stuffed animal ducks that play the same tune over and over and over), family time (with dad, too), nurse, bounce, sleep. The book suggests that it be an hour routine, so I started at 6:45, hoping to end with Isaac going to sleep around 7:45 or 8.  By the time I was done with everything it was only 7:15.  I noticed that Isaac was already exhibiting signs of fatigue...so I put him to sleep early.  By 7:30 he was sleeping.

Tonight I will start using the different phases in the book to help Isaac sleep better/longer in his crib.  I will also try to feed him less at night.  Instead of every time he wakes up, it will be more like twice or three times in the night.  I will also keep his wake up times and bed times as consistent as I can.

The point is not to be rigid, but have some structure while at the same time being flexible.  (Babies, after all, are often unpredictable!)

I'll report back now and then to let you know how it's going.  Sweet dreams!


Cat Naps

Isaac doesn't take long naps.  Or sleep for long stretches at night.  That's what's going on right now.  I guess I was under the impression that babies started sleeping long as they got older, but that's not the case with my son. For awhile there he was sleeping 4-6 hour stretches when we first put him down at night.  But now, it's 3 hours (if I'm lucky) and then almost every hour after that throughout the night.  A few nights of this doesn't bother me that much, I am tired but I feel like I can deal with it.  But after 2 weeks of this, I'm starting to lose my mind.

I'm not a fan of the "cry-it-out" method.  For some reason the thought of that almost brings me to tears.  I can't stand to see Isaac cry...especially the desperate kind of crying.  I'm looking into the no-tears method of sleep training.  I wish I didn't have to train him at all, and maybe by the time I get the book and make up my mind to do it I won't have to, but at this point I feel ready to start researching the whole process.

Gotta go, I hear cooing sounds in the monitor.


High Tech Gadgets

Today I went and saw a specialist to have a root canal retreated.  Apparently the first doctor who did it a few years back neglected to clean out and fill an entire canal.  I won't say any names, as I've gotten into trouble for doing that before, but I will say that I had a very pleasant experience with the specialist.  The office staff was friendly and efficient, and the treatment itself didn't hurt at all - not even the shot I was given to get numb.  I have another appointment in a few weeks for the treatment to be completed.

I was most impressed by the microscope the doctor looked through while treating my tooth.  I wanted to say, "hey, can I have a look?"

Isaac is doing ok after immunizations.  The first few days following the shot were rough.  I think that everything just took a little time to work through his system.  I had an extra day off that week, and I think he got so used to me being around (he was with me for 5 days straight) that when I went back to work on Wednesday he wasn't sure what to do.  I heard through the grapevine of baby sitters that he wasn't taking much from the bottle and wasn't sleeping, always fussing, always crying.  When I came home for lunch that day I was surprised to see both him and Andrew home.  Although I felt bad for the little guy (he wasn't doing well being away from me) it was very nice to see him in the middle of a work day.  I was able to feed him and put him to sleep before I went back to work.  When I pray over him every night, I ask God to help him get used to being cared for by others.  Not even that though - I want him to be HAPPY and thrive while he's with others.  I want, more than anything, for him to be happy.  And as much as I would like to be with him every minute of every day, that just isn't possible. It's a rough time of transition for us, me going back to work, but I think it gets better all the time.  I'm so thankful that we have great childcare and that I work so close to home and only part time.  If I ever do have more children (because that's undecided!), I hope that I can stay home to take care of them, or work a job with even less hours.


Immunizations: Round 1

I always see moms who seem to have no fear.  You know the kind.  The kind that carries her baby into the grocery store with just a diaper and some wipes in her purse.  She is able to fill her cart to the brim, give the cashier 20 coupons, and pay with cash, all while at the same time breast feed her baby (which she is not embarrassed to do in public.)  She doesn't seem to worry that her baby is fussy, and when the baby cries she doesn't blink an eye, but simply says "shhh, it's ok."

This mom can also take her baby to the doctor by herself.  She doesn't wonder what the other patient's reactions will be if her baby happens to be inconsolable.  She puts on a brave face while her baby gets whatever immunizations the doctor recommends.  She doesn't dread the thought of going through a sea of patients to get to the pharmacy (because she doesn't wonder about the reasons that all those other patients are there, or what contagious diseases they might pass on to her baby.)

She doesn't avoid extremely long car rides, or family functions where there are dozens of female cousins who want to hold the baby.  When people give her unsolicited advice she thanks them and moves on, seemingly unshaken by their lack of tact.

I don't know if those moms really have no fear, or they are just putting on a brave face, but I know that I am not that kind of mom.  Everything freaks me out.  I don't like taking Isaac outside on hot days because he squints when the sun hits him, arches his back, fusses, and then screams.  I also am not brave when it comes to taking him places in public by myself.

Yesterday he had a doctor's appointment.  It was his first one since he was 2 weeks old.  He hadn't had any vaccinations yet, but for some reason it still didn't dawn on me that he would be getting some at this visit.  At least it didn't dawn on me until the afternoon of the day before his appointment, when someone at work asked me if he would be getting some.

I scrambled to find someone to go with me.  I didn't want to go alone.  I had heard from a number of sources that seeing your child get an injection, and hearing him cry, was one of the most challenging experiences of a first-time-mom's life.  Needless to say, I wasn't feeling very confident.  In fact, I was down right scared.

No one could go with me.  It's my own fault, really.

Friday morning I was in a panic...wondering what I might do to postpone the appointment until someone could go with me.  I was staring at the contact list on my phone when it suddenly hit me.  It was like a slap in the face, or a cold breeze that hits you on a wintry morning.

I can do it.

God was telling me that I could do it.  Not only could I do it, I WOULD do it.  And although I wouldn't have another adult human with me, HE would be with me.  No one else can take care of us like HE can!

I prayed the whole way there.  We stopped and got some baby Tylenol from a friend.  We got to the clinic extremely early.  I parked in the shady parking structure, knowing that Isaac would freak out if I parked in the bright sun.  I was able to sit in the front seat and feed him.  He was so happy and giggly that he almost couldn't eat.  I changed his diaper in the open trunk.  I quickly got the car seat set up on top of the stroller, made sure I had all of my things, and started towards the clinic with my still smiling baby.

There was a long line to check in, but I just rocked the stroller back and forth while we waited.  A sweet, little old lady came over and peeked at Isaac.  He turned on the charm and giggled and talked to her.  She laughed and smiled and told me how adorable he was.  So far, things were off to a great start.

After finally checking in, we went down to the pediatric area.  We ended up having to wait an extra 20 minutes to be seen.  I put on my brave face and paced up and down the hallway pushing the stroller.  They told me I could come inside the clinic area but that it would still be a few more minutes until they had a room.  Isaac started getting fussy.  He was tired of being in the car seat and the stroller.  I parked the stroller at one end of the hall, picked him up, and did lunges from end of the hall to the other.  We had done almost 10 passes when they told me a room was ready.  (having a baby who likes to be bounced is a great work out!)

Isaac got measured and weighed.  His head is 15 inches, length 24.5 inches, and weight 11.3 pounds.  I really like his doctor.  We talked about the different immunizations that are typical for 2 month olds, and decided on a modified schedule.  He would have 2 injections, and one liquid vaccine.  The nurse came in and I asked her if it would be ok if I stepped outside.  She said, "you're not alone feeling that way, of course you can."

I stepped outside after kissing my baby.  My heart was in my throat.  I heard a fuss, and then a screaming cry.  The nurse said, "we're done, come on in!"  The whole process took probably 15 seconds.  Isaac's face was red as a tomato and he was wailing.  I scooped him up and hugged him tight.  The nurse pushed the stroller and I carried Isaac down the hall to the breast feeding room.  I fed him and he calmed down a little bit.  I put him in the stroller and although he was still fussy when we left the breast feeding room, by the time we got to the car he was sound asleep.  He slept the whole way home, and then for a long time after that.

We did it.  The night was a little rough, he didn't sleep for longer than a 3 hour stretch.  But, we did it.  It's little victories like that that get me through the day.

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