1.21.2010

This Journey is My Own

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  That sounds so cliche....let me start over.


I've been thinking a lot lately about things that are a big part of my life.  My family, my friends, my job, my relationship with God, my mortgage, what I'm going to eat for dinner.  No matter what I do lately, or what I go through, I have a little baby inside who goes through it with me.  Someone said to me recently, after we had been talking about all-things-baby for almost an hour, "so what else is going on?  you do have a life outside of your baby."  The truth is that I really don't.  I mean, no matter what I do the baby is always there.  I can feel him roll over and kick me from the inside, and each time it makes my breath catch in my throat.  What a miracle!  One could argue and say "you're still you!  You still have a mind a part from your baby."  That's true, I guess.  But in a way, I'm not still me.  I'm changed.  I'm not JUST me anymore.  Every decision, every thought, every not-so-healthy snack that I put in my mouth affects not only me, but also my unborn son.  Every decision.  Every single decision.


Some decisions are easy to make.  On my days off I decide to sleep in.  Other decisions seem impossible to make.  One such impossible decision has recently been put in my path.  What to do?  The problem with me is, I care too much about what people think.  I let people's opinions sway the outcome of my decision.  I'll admit that this can sometimes be a good thing.  God has put people in our lives who are wise and can help guide us through life.  I believe however, that sometimes, a person has to decide some things for herself.  She must seek God's will for her life and rely on the Holy Scripture and the Holy Spirit to guide her.  This certain decision is one of those kind, one that I have to make for myself.  Is my gut feeling given to me from the Holy Spirit and thus the answer to my dilemma, or is it just indigestion? 


I'll end this blog with the lyrics from a song by Sara Groves.  This song always helps me when I feel like I'm relying too much on the opinions of people, when I should be relying on God's.  After all, this journey is my own.


"This Journey is my Own" - Sara Groves


When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

This journey is my own
Cuz trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Cuz I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Oh, this journey is my own

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now

1.20.2010

proceed with caution

If you know me well, you know why it's hard for me to blog anything.  I've had this since last year but I've been debating on whether I should actually post regularly.  I've decided that it might be fun, if it's done correctly.  So, here goes!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant.  Being pregnant is the weirdest.  For all who have been there, I know you understand.  It's very alien.  Right now I'm basically a host for the little guy.  The changes that a pregnant woman goes through are impossible to describe.



I'm getting excited.  I mean, I've been excited for some time (after the nausea wore off and I was actually able to enjoy the fact that a life is growing inside of me) but I'm even more excited now that I know the little sprout is a boy!  The due date, June 2, feels so far away.  19 more weeks.  I can't wait to hold my son, and watch my husband be a dad.  It seems like only yesterday that I said I would spend the rest of my life with Andrew...and now we're going to be parents.

Look closely, and you can see his heart!  Dark spot in the middle of his chest...



This one is as if his head is to the left of the picture, and he turns his face to look right at you.  The little round white spot in the middle of the page is his left eye.  We actually saw his eye lid (he blinked!) while the technician was looking at him.
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