If I'm typing , that must mean that my baby is asleep. He is. Why then, you might ask, am I not asleep? Well, I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not afraid like a little kid is afraid of a monster hiding under her bed, more like reluctant. As soon as I fall asleep, I'm sure that my son will wake up and need me. I love being needed by him, don't get me wrong. There is nothing like knowing that someone, especially someone so little and adorable, needs me. But when I got to sleep and get woken up, a lot of times very suddenly, out of a deep sleep, my brain is clouded by a thick fog, and it's impossible not to be frustrated. Just now Isaac woke up and I was level headed. I knew just what to do to calm him down and get him back to sleep quickly. When I experience one if the rude awakenings, however , I am not level headed, and everything feels impossible.
So you see, I am reluctant to got to sleep - even though my eyes are heavy and every muscle in my body aches.
Sleep training isn't going well, but it's only day 2. I refuse to give up. I'm going to give it awhile. If it doesn't seem to be helping after a few weeks, I'll try something else.
In the meantime, I enjoy watching my son grow and learn. He's so curious, and it's thrilling to see him take everything in. I find myself wondering what he's going to like. What is he going to do? What kind of music will he like? Will he play sports, be in a band, be a world traveller? Will be hyper, relaxed, outgoing, shy? What things will he learn from me and his dad? Will he grow up strong , healthy, happy?
Then I return to the present, and realize, with a smile, that all I need to think about right now is being here for him and loving him. The biggest blessing of all is that for now, he's still small enough to fit perfectly in my arms.