Mr. Handsome and His Emergency Adventure

I had written for about 25 minutes when my post was accidentally deleted.  So many details down the drain.  It took me 2 days to come back to this and start again  

Isaac at home, before the hospital.  Lack of oxygen exhausted him.

This time I'm going to spare you the dramatic imagery, the long words, and the sentiment. Mostly.

I'm just going to say that last Monday Isaac was in the Emergency Room for 3 1/2 hours, and then stayed over night at the hospital for observation.

I took him to the Dr. because his breathing was abnormally fast.  Scary fast.  He was also snotting and coughing.  I was afraid, and my mother's intuition was telling me that something was very wrong.  We saw the Pediatrician who started with a Albuterol breathing treatment.  This brought Isaac's blood oxygen level up to 92% (it was originally at 88%, which is very low). 

After that he (we) was sent to the ER for another breathing treatment, monitoring, and a chest xray.  After his second breathing treatment and the ingestion of a liquid steroid, his blood O2 was back up to where it should be (100%). 

 The whole time we were there, all he wanted to do was sleep.  He was in respiratory distress, and he was working extremely hard to get enough oxygen.  Every time he managed to fall asleep, another doctor came in to listen to his chest, check his temp, check his pulse.  Poor guy.  It turns out he had a viral infection that is very common in little ones.  The term they use for it is bronchiolitis. 

That one night in the hospital felt a lot more like a week.  I slept a total of 15 minutes.  Isaac slept probably 6 broken hours.  He refused to sleep in the crib they provided for him, so he slept on the window bench with me.

He is well now.  Breathing fine and playing ferociously.  His angry cough and runny nose remind me of those 2 days - of our scary adventure.  Thank you, God, for the hospital.  Thank you for medication and monitoring systems and xrays and nurses and doctors and hospital food.  Thank you for insurance and the way that you always provide.  Thank you that Isaac and I went through this together.  I think it made us a little closer.  I feel like I can add one more thing to the list of things that only Isaac and I share.
Smiling again!

Home w/ his hospital teddy.

What's for dinner?
Thank you for his health, his fire, his smile.  Thank you for the way you take care of everything.


A Monday to be Thankful (posted a day late!)

My family went to the beach this past weekend, to celebrate my 28th birthday.  Also - just to get away.

Away from responsibilities.

Away from reality.

Just - away.

We stayed at "Sea for Two": a little, one bedroom house with a living room, dining room, kitchen, and bathroom.  We brought our own food (including stuff to make brownies AND rice crispy treats) and made lots of yummy things in the kitchen, all the while having the roaring ocean as our back drop.  The house sat on the edge of a cliff, overlooking the ocean.  All weekend it was our soundtrack.  The waves would build, build, build and then crash in a white foam.

We went to the outlet mall, we got some good Thai food, we braved going down to the wet and windy sand in the 44 degree weather.

Isaac slept in his pack and play with no problems.  Daylight savings time came and went while we were there.

It was a time to relax, reflect, and to feel rejuvenated.  I am so thankful for the time we got to spend there.


Raking Leaves

Once a week I watch my elderly neighbor rake leaves from his yard and driveway, and the sidewalk in front of his house.  I always scoff a bit, wondering why he wastes his time. All those leaves he rakes, out into the street, out of his yard. Surely he must know that his effort is in vain?  I mean, one fast car passes by and all those leaves, wet and dirty, fly right back into his yard. Not to mention the gargantuan maple tree that hovers over, leaning from the neighbors yard, just waiting to give a good shiver and send hundreds of leaves to the clean yard below.  So as I sit here on the stool by a window and nose my way into his life from the warmth and security of my home, I wonder: why? ( I didn't mention that he does all this in socks and sandals - in the 50 degree wet weather.)

Although I'm not sure why, I think the answer might be a simple one. The way that old man is hunched over his rake every Sunday is the way we should live our lives. We should constantly be raking out the old leaves. Cleaning up our yards. Our minds, our hearts, our lives. Jesus doesn't want us to be stagnant. He doesn't want us to sit by and let the dirty old leaves pile up just because, in a few minutes, more leaves will come drifting down. The sin, the garbage that piles up, what would happen if we just let it be, for fear we'd just have to clean it up again in a few days?  It would over take us and begin to hide who we really are, God's lights. How can our light shine if its hidden by piles of leaves?  Not to mention how the slimy leaves would start to kill the grass and make a lovely home for all sorts of bugs.

So my question is to you (and me): have you raked your yard today?


A Monday to be Thankful

The past couple weeks have been challenging.  Who am I kidding - the past couple months have been challenging.  Let's just say my entire life has been one big challenge.

I'm not saying that for pity, it's just a fact.  I'm not quite sure why.  I've had everything I've ever needed: loving parents and siblings, the opportunity for education, a caring and supportive husband, a sweet and pretty-well-behaved child, employment, true friends, a church home, and the list goes on....

....for some reason I struggle.  I fight against all those good things.  Why?  Is it because I haven't succumbed to the realization that Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner?  That somehow I still don't get that his love for me is unconditional, and that I can't do anything to gain it or lose it?  Do I still feel that unworthy?

It's something that I need to get over.  I wish it was that simple.  Wren, get over it.  It's not.  It will take a lifetime of working through all the failures in my past and present, and knowing that being forgiven means that I have permission to move on from those things.  To forget them.

One way to help move on is to be thankful for all I've been given, and all the lessons that have been learned.  So here goes:

  • Chilly fall mornings
  • My smart phone
  • Family that is truly always there
  • Slippers
  • A working washer and dryer
  • Hot chai tea
  • Pumpkin seeds
  • Hard lessons in God's word
  • Mercies that are new every morning
  • Friends who don't mind picking up where we left off
  • Forgiveness
  • Napping children
  • The way Isaac pulls me toward what he wants
What are you thankful for today?


A Monday to be Thankful

Isaac and I made our way to Natural Choices Health Clinic early this morning.  Isaac had food sensitivity testing.  It turns out that he's not sensitive to dairy like we thought he might be.  He is, however, sensitive to gluten and peanuts!

We had kind of a rough time.  He was fussy, irritated, sleepy, hungry, and just plain bored.  It last about 45 minutes.  The doctor was amazing.  I liked her a lot!  She handled Isaac's quirkiness quite well.  She was very comfortable with him.

When we were done, we went to the car and I attempted to change a poopy diaper in the back seat.  Isaac squirmed and wiggled....he managed to get poop everywhere.  It was not a fun experience and he wasn't the cleanest when it was all said and done - but it got done!

We visited a good friend on a break in between her classes, and he walked all around the park, finding and jumping in mud puddles.

On the way home he cried for about a minute before falling asleep and staying that way the rest of the way home.

All this got me thinking.  I have so much.  I'm well cared for in so many ways.  I'd like to share some of the things I'm thankful for today:

  • Naturopathic Doctors
  • a reliable vehicle 
  • the drive thru
  • chilly fall days
  • not falling on slippery sidewalk leaves
  • friends who take time out to play in the park
  • diet soda
  • a baby who lets me sleep past 7
  • chocolate chip cookies
  • movies that entertain little ears and eyes
  • Isaac's high little voice
  • a hard working husband
What are you thankful for today?


always waking up tired

Everyday that Isaac is not with his grandma, he's with me.  4 days a week.  He sleeps in until sometime between 7:30-8.  Therefore, he's not tired until around 11am.  At this point he's been taking only about an hour long nap. That would be fine if he wanted to take another one, but he doesn't.  So, our afternoons are filled with this weird, "are you tired, not tired, do you want to try to take a nap," dance that he and I do.  I wouldn't mind if he went down to one nap, in fact I'd like it!  More availability for us to do other things.

When he goes to grandma's, he gets up at 6:45.  He takes a morning nap and then an afternoon nap as well (although I'm told those naps are getting shorter.)  It's hard to keep a schedule with him when his days aren't consistent.  I long for the days when I can stay home with him and his (possibly) future siblings (s).

In the meantime, I thank God that I have a job to help provide for my family.  I'm thankful that he gets to stay with his grandma who provides loving care for him.  I'm thankful that my job is less than 10 minutes from where I live, and that I work just 3 days a week.  I'm thankful that I get to spend the majority of my time being a mom.

If we could only get these kinks out of the nap schedule......


he passed his check up

Isaac went to the dentist for the first time today!  It was fun to sit with him on the bench and watch the Dr. work so well with him.  The dentist polished his teeth, painted fluoride on his teeth, and then gave him some excellent prizes for being such a great patient.  He got a balloon, a ball, and of course a new tooth brush.

I'm so proud :)


and I know that it's the devil

I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Last night, I finished chapter four teary eyed.  Something felt so good.  New, refreshing.  I don't know, just good.  The real kind of good that's not tainted.  Authentic.

I put the book down and went into Isaac's room to start the humidifier.

(A few nights ago, Isaac woke up coughing.  It was a scary kind of cough, because he was wheezing each time he drew in a breath.  I got him up and struggled with my night vision eyes to get the humidifier out and working.  When it all was said and done he was just fine, but I've been running the humidifier at night just in case.  Is it ok to put this many sentences inside parenthesis?)

I sat down beside Isaac's crib and looked at his long, thick eye lashes fluttering.  I said a prayer for him and thanked God for him.  After all, that's what the book One Thousand Gifts is about: learning to be truly thankful for everything.

On my way out I felt a sense of peace around me, and was ready to hit the sheets.  Suddenly I saw something I fear greatly: a huge, disgusting spider.  It was on the floor of the bathroom.  I had the light on in the bathroom and the door just cracked.  The light coming through was enough to cast the spider's shadow onto the carpet, making it look exceedingly large and evil.  I stopped in my tracks and drew in a sharp breath.  No.

The spider was a good 10 feet away from me, but I still hugged the wall as I walked past, trying to get even farther away from it.  As I walked in front of it, I felt my heart start to beat faster, and my feet followed suit.  I has my hand on my chest in a fist.  (even as I'm writing this, I'm looking around me to make sure another one isn't lurking.)

I woke up my sweet, sleeping husband.  I felt bad about it.  But, I can't get close enough to a spider to kill it.  Unless of course I am the only one at home, because if I don't kill it I'l be constantly thinking it's made it's way into the same room I'm in and that any minute it will pounce....

....A got out of bed dutifully and made his way to the hall bathroom.  He said, "oh my gosh" on his way to get a shoe.  So, it was big!  It wasn't just my imagination!!  He killed the fiend.

The death of that arachnid did not calm my fear.  I shook out all the blankets, looked in every corner of my room.  I stayed awake for AN HOUR after the incident, because I knew that I couldn't sleep.  What if it's brother came back for revenge?

I know it's stupid.  Really, I do.  We all have our fears, and that just happens to be one of mine.  The thing that gets me is, I know it was the devil. I was finally in a place where I was feeling peaceful.  I was trying to live in the moment and thank God for everything.  How can I thank Him for something that I hate so much?  I can be thankful that the devil putting that spider in my path was a sign that God was working in me - and that the devil didn't like that.  There.  Thank you God, for obstacles like spiders (jerks) who stumble into my path when I'm going the right way.  Thank you that satan sees what you are doing, and doesn't like it, and tries to rattle me.  That must mean that the something you are doing is pretty great.


Everything I Don't Have

More than once a day, I find myself longing for everything I don't have.

I read countless blogs.  They make me long to be that which I am not.

Just a few examples: I wish I lived on a farm.  Seeing pictures of cute, chubby, little hands hold chicks or eggs or gigantic cucumbers from a larger than life, thriving garden in the middle of a picture-perfect field of billowing, golden wheat while being able to hear the babble of a white-blue stream on a sunny autumn day-- this makes me want to live on a farm.  I have never lived on a farm.  As a child I visited a friend of mine who lived in an enormous, old farm house.  We played in big, grassy fields.  We rode her horse, we swung on the tire swing until the sun finally peeled itself out of our grasp and set over the surrounding oak trees.

In reality, I'm too lazy to be a farmer.  I love sleep too much.  I far too afraid of bugs to dig in a garden.  I'm not skilled to cook things from scratch day after day.  I'm just too lazy.

I read blogs of extremely crafty mamas.  How do they do it?  I've tried to do it.  I mean, I made curtains for my son's room.  My son, who doesn't care that the stitching isn't straight or that I ripped that seam open again and again.  Painting, how I wish I could!  But, I cannot.  I don't think I'm patient enough for crafts.

Which brings me to the things I am not.  Energetic.  Patient.  Quick to think the best of someone.  Forgiving.  Hard working.  Diligent.  And everyday I wish I were all of these things.

Lately I've been on a journey to find out who I am.  I know what I am not and what I cannot do.  But who am I?  What can I do?  What is my purpose in this world?  God, why am I here?



Isaac has Roseola!  I remember having it as a kid.

It's a scary virus, because the child has 3-7 days of high fever with no other symptoms (some kids have other symptoms, but mine did not.)  Last night, after days of fever and a fussy child, Isaac's fever just went away.  He was still tired and cranky and not happy, but he was cool.  Even when he woke up at 10:30 and cried till 11:15, he was cool.

This morning he played with dad, ate more breakfast than he had eaten in a long time, and let me change his poopy diaper without much complaint.  Things seemed pretty much back to normal.  Then I noticed some blotchiness around his temples and on his neck.  Upon further inspection (took him into some good light and stripped him down) it's obvious that he has a rash of small, red/white bumps scattered across his entire body, mostly on his chest/back.  He isn't scratching them at all, and as far as I'm concerned he doesn't even know they exist.

Kind of dark, but if you look closely, you can see little spots.  When he wakes up from his nap I'll get one with my real camera (not my phone.)  Just in case it ever happens to your little one, you can compare!  Although, they all probably slightly vary from child to child.

Playing in the cupboard!  First time in days he hasn't been following me around and not letting me put him down.

If you are a mom you can attest to the feeling of great relief you get when something that has had you boggled for a week suddenly becomes clear.  So THAT'S why he had a fever without any other symptoms.  I feel like I am able to breathe normally for the first time since Monday when this all started.  It's not strep throat, it's not some crazy internal thing we can't see.....it's Roseola, which is basically harmless.

Thank you God for answering our prayers.  Thank you for taking care of my favorite 15 month old.  Thank you for doctors, family, and friends who have been there.  Thank you for ibuprofen and luke-warm baths.  Thank you for giving me my energetic, boundary-testing toddler back.


Adventures Continued

Today was a bad day.  I try to find the good in it and I can, but first let me just say that it was all around bad.  There is no sugar coating it.

I picked up the baby from his crib, and he was hot to the touch.  Not just hot where his face was smothered in his lovey, but hot all over.  Hi back, his tummy, his legs, his feet, and his forehead.  He whimpered, and if he could talk I think he would probably say something like, "momma, I hurt."

He had a small fever last night, but I didn't think anything of it because he's getting some teeth, and he's just settling back into the groove of being home and being at Grandma's.  But this morning when the thermometer made an extra loud beep - the beep that cries "WARNING - THIS TEMP IS HIGH" - my heart skipped a beat.  102.1.  No other symptoms.  So, what's going on?

I decided to stay home with him.  He continued to whimper as I changed his diaper, gave him some ibuprofen and a sippy, and turned on some cartoons.  Dad said goodbye and went off to work with a nervous look on his face.  He reassured me before he went, "that temps not too high."

In 15 minutes the temp went down to 101.  Phew.  He went back to sleep for an hour and a half.  Upon awakening, he was still fussy, but cooler, and seemed content to just take it easy.  He drank a little, and ate some applesauce and half a piece of toast with cream cheese on it.  Then came the diarrhea.  As awful as it was, at least it was something to go along with the fever.  Maybe related, maybe not.

After numerous attempts to put him down for another nap he finally fell asleep at 11, and slept until 1.  2 hour nap....what a blessing.  There's one good thing that happened today.

He woke up from his nap crying.  Not just crying.  Screaming.  And burning.  I picked him up and tried to reassure him that it was alright (even though I wasn't sure myself) but he still kept on....and on....and on.  I picked him up because he reached for me - and he immediately arched his back and demanded to be put down.  I put him down, and he reached to be picked up.  I tried to put him in a luke-warm bath, he ran from the bathroom, put his hands against the wall, and banged his head.  He cried harder.  He threw himself on the floor and rolled around.  I tried and tried and tried.....he cried and cried and cried.  Fine.  I'll call the doctor - again.  (I had already talked to a nurse earlier about the high fever, and she told me to push fluids, check for other symptoms, keep up with the ibuprofen, monitor the temp and call her if it got higher than 103 or lasted more than a day)  The person on the other side of the line could barely hear me over Isaac's fussy cries.  She said, "sounds like you should bring him in."  So, we rushed out the door.  10 minutes into our drive Isaac stops crying.  He starts babbling and sideways smiling.

We get to the doctor's office and they get us in right away.  He is an angel.  No crying.  He's hungry (even though he wouldn't eat ANYTHING after his nap for me at home), he's thirsty.  His ears and throat look perfect.  His heart and lungs sound perfect.  He doesn't have a fever.  NOTHING.

What I got was peace of mind.  The doctor told me that there is a viral thing going around, and it might be roseola.  I had that when I was a kid.  A fever for a few days and then a rash and then it's done.  Or he might not get a rash at all.  She told me to push fluids, keep track of his temp every four hours, keep with the ibuprofen or acetaminophen every 6 hours, and call her tomorrow to report how things are going.

I felt foolish.  But I shouldn't.  I got what I needed, peace of mind and heart.  There isn't anything suspicious brewing below the surface.  He just has a fever, and it's not incredibly high, and he's just miserable.  But he's ok.  No crazy ear/throat infections, no stomach issues, no lung issues.

Now I'll talk about the good.  The good things are : 1) we have insurance.  I had the luxury of taking my child to the doctor. 2) we have a car, I was able to get to the doctor 3) I was able to be home with him and be his primary care giver on a day he really needed me. 4) Nothing obviously horrible is wrong with him.

I pray and ask God to give me wisdom and discernment as a mom.  What to do, what not to do....it's all such a nerve wracking and heavy burden to bear.  But He's there.  He understands.  He directs.  He loves.  He protects.  And Isaac is ok.


Isaac took his first plane ride last week.  We flew from Portland to Reno, then from Reno to LA, and on the way back we flew from LA to Oakland, then from Oakland to Portland.  It was kind of stupid to have to make a stop on our way to California, but we took the best deal we could get for the available time that we had.  It was just Isaac and me.  Andrew could not leave work at such a busy time, and the office where I work was already closed.  Again, we did it when we could.

We had a great time seeing my parents, my aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends.  I saw some people that I hadn't seen in an extremely long time.

Isaac did remarkably well.  He had a few meltdowns, but for the most part he was very easy going.  We were both very tired when we got home, but it was well worth the trip.


15 Months Young

This is a little late, Isaac turned 15 months on Aug 30.

We went to the doctor for the dreaded weigh in.  I knew that he had grown taller.  Either that or his pants were shrinking in length and the door knob was getting closer to the floor.

He gained 1 pound in 2 months.  Not great, but at least he didn't stay the same or lose.  He grew 2 inches taller! He had 3 shots, yuck, and the next day had the highest fever he's ever had, 102.3.  The nurse assured me he was fine, and she was right.  His fever broke in the middle of the night, and I felt like I could breathe again.

We are getting ready to go to California for a week to visit my family.  Today I've been packing and repacking in between Isaac running around and pulling everything out the suitcase.  I'm nervous, but I suppose we'll survive.

Here's hoping you all have a wonderful week.  I'll have some stories of frustration and excitement when I get back.  Until then!



These days, I see a lot of Isaac's backside.  And, I don't mean his butt.  I mean his back.  The back of him.

Meaning, he's going away from me.  Sometimes RUNNING away from me.  I say his name, he gets up and goes the other way.  Where to?  Anywhere I am not.  Towards what?  Anything that doesn't involve me.

I'm not hurt.  I know this is normal.  He's growing, changing, learning, exploring, testing.

We went to the beach and he/didn't/stop.  NOT ONCE.  He was chasing after a dog who was chasing after a ball (all the time pointing and saying "oey" which is his word for anything furry with four legs - it's him trying to say his grandma's dog's name - Zoey).  He was moving towards bright colored toys that weren't his.  He was walking fearlessly into the waves, only turn back around and walk out, turn back around and walk in, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I picked him up, he squirmed and balked.  He ran over and played a quick game of soccer with a cute little boy about the same age as he is.  He laughed in delight when a little dog ran up to him.  He splashed in the waves, threw sand in his friend's face, ate sand, rolled in sand, got sand in his eye, his hair, his diaper....

....and the whole time I followed.  Put my hand behind him when he looked like he might teeter over.  My back baked in the sun for 2 hours while I didn't sit down, didn't relax, didn't get to visit with my friend, didn't do anything - except watch out for my son.

So you can imagine the joy I felt when this evening, more than once, a sleepy buddy crawled up onto my lap, nuzzled his face into my neck, and put an arm around my back.  He came to me!  I didn't chase him or cajole.  He came to me because he wanted to.

What a picture of how I am with Jesus!  He's always there, following me around, with His hand on the small of my back because I look like I might teeter over.  I'm always running towards the next thing.  The grass will be greener over here.  Or - if only we had this or lived there.

And He's there.  My heavenly Father.  Telling me, as I run away towards the next best thing, that He wants to be with me.  He wants to spend time with me.  He is more than any of those things I run away from Him for.  Right now I'm learning that I need to stop, turn around, put my arms around His strong neck, put my face against His chest, and rest.  Only then will I find what I'm looking for.


A Monday to be thankful

I'm taking this idea from a blog that I read.  Lists of gratitude!  There is so much to be thankful for, and I like the idea of listing it....it's a good reminder for me and maybe helpful to those few who read this.  Here we go.  This week I'm especially thankful for:

  • Warm weather.  I complain about it, but I will miss the sun when it hides it's face for 9+ months.  It's nice to replenish my vitamin D and see some freckles on my skin.
  • A son who brings me book after book to read to him.
  • Teen Mom on MTV
  • Fans
  • A son who sleeps through the night (most nights).
  • A husband who loves me.
  • Being able to crawl our way towards being debt free.
  • A job that is part time and close to home.
  • A boss who loves Jesus.
  • The internet.
  • Friends who travel an hour to see me.
  • Family who loves me.
  • Running water.
  • Blackberry preserves.
What are you especially thankful for this week?  Do you ever find it hard to be thankful?


Free Samples!

I love it when there are free samples waiting in my mailbox!  Today I got three!

Quick Catch Up

Friday is here, finally.  The week felt so long.  I only work three days a week, and I am so thankful for that.  I never imagined, at such a young age, that I could have a part time job.  Those three days, however, feel like many more.  We have a few new systems at work to help our practice run more smoothly and be more profitable, and they are necessary, but they make things a bit tedious.  It's not exciting for me to be there for 10 hours.  I will not complain, because I'm lucky and thankful and blessed beyond belief to have a job.  

This morning Isaac stayed in his crib and quiet until 8 am.  I think that he was awake much earlier than that, but he just hung out while I stayed in bed.  What a blessing that was!  I actually didn't feel the need to take a nap when he did this morning.  I drank some tea, played around on facebook, and got some cleaning done.  I felt, for the first time in a long time, full of energy.  It's something that I welcome, because it doesn't happen very often.

Weight Watchers is going ok.  I've been doing pretty poorly.  I need to get into the mind set that it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle!  I need to track more regularly, too.  If I'm paying money each month to go to the meetings, I really need to get my butt in gear and get some results.  I don't have extra money to just be throwing at something that I'm not following.  I don't think I've gained any weight,  but I haven't been losing any, either.  And, isn't that the point?  I've done better these past few days, but being at work so long and being tired and not being prepared has tempted me to buy fast food and take the easy way out.  I wasn't just tempted, I actually did it. I'm not giving up, though, and each meal is a new one to try and do better.

Isaac is growing up and learning and changing....he can drink through a straw now!  He also had his first lunch out at a Mexican restaurant with me and his grandma.  He did so well, it was fun.  He enjoys reading books, hates having his teeth brushed, is trying to transition to one nap (and making life around here a little hectic because of it), he's weaning off of formula, he loves to be outside more than anything else, and he's constantly in motion.  It's a fun and challenging time in his life.  I'm excited for him to start saying and doing more things.


shorter are the days

It feels later than it is, because it's practically dark outside and it's only 9:30.  Just a few weeks ago it would still be somewhat light at this time.  I'm getting excited because that means my favorite season is on the way!  Call me crazy.  I mean, we've only had, what, 10-15 good days of summer here, and I'm already wishing for fall?  I don't know.  I just love it.  Colors, sweaters, Halloween, cool evenings that make sleep easier....not to mention that Isaac has some cute jackets that he'll actually fit into this fall!  I'm striving to enjoy summer while it lasts, but I will NOT be sad if fall decides to come a bit early.

Weight Watchers has been quite the struggle these past 2 weeks.  I'm not sure why.  I mean, I know that I feel better and look better when I eat well and exercise, but I still don't want to do it.  I gained .2 lbs this last week, so I'm hovering right at the "lost 5 pounds" mark.  Now, I know that 5 pounds is SOMETHING, but it's still not enough something.  I'd like to lose a good 15-20 more.  It's not going to come off if I eat chocolate ice cream and turkey burgers, and drink regular soda.  I want to find some motivation, but where can I find it?

Tuesday and I'm already exhausted.  It's hard to believe that I once worked full time :)  I'm sure the junk food I've been eating isn't helping that exhaustion.

A few short weeks till I travel to Southern California to visit my family.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but it's all a bit shadowed by the fact that I'll be travelling with a 15 month old.  A sweet, adorable, snuggly, hug-gable, wonderful, hilarious 15 month old - but nonetheless, a 15 month old.  It's not too far.  The whole trip will only take around 3 hours (one lay over).  Once we get there, though, how will he do?  Will he be able to take naps and sleep at night in a completely strange location?  Will he eat?  Will he do well with the travelling we'll have to do in the car?  It's all a complete mystery to me, and I'm not a fan of the unknown.  I've been doing a lot of praying these past couple weeks.  That is one thing I can hold onto.  In all the mystery and uncertainty, God is constant.  He will help.


Learning By Doing

When I was pregnant I read, and read, and read.  Everything and anything I could read about pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, breastfeeding, formula feeding, c-sections, use of pacifiers.....if I found it, I read it.  I watched so many Baby Stories, Make Room for Multiples, and Birth Days on TLC that I started to see reruns.  I attended a birth class and had my labor and delivery planned.  I knew how everything was going to go.

Or so I thought.

I learned that things don't always go as planned when I started having pre-term contractions at 29 weeks, went to the hospital to have those contractions stopped twice, and then was put on modified bed rest at 30 weeks.  When I went into labor 3 days early, had painful back labor, tried for 12 hours without medication and then finally begged for medication, and then struggled for two hours to push my son out, I learned that there is no way anyone can plan their labor and delivery.

After getting up 6-8 times every night for 9 months to feed my waking son, having countless days when my newborn would cry and I couldn't figure out why, trying to take trips to Target because "everyone else's baby just sleeps in their car seat in the cart, so mine will too" only to find out that I couldn't even leave the car because my son was so upset and having to turn around and go right back home.... I learned that every baby is different.

When my son refused to breast feed at ten months old, and I pleaded and tried and kept pumping only to get an ounce or 2 a day and a very upset child, I accepted the fact that I would start giving him formula.

And now, with Isaac eating solid foods, I have to bite my tongue and close my eyes not to get upset every time he throws the food on the ground after eating two bites.  Every time he refuses to eat anything, even though he hasn't eaten in a long time, and I know that according to the charts he's on the thinner side and I've been given tons of advice on how to get him to plump up and eat more, I just have to go with it.

I can ask others, I can read, I can research, I can plan, I can hope.  None of those things are bad things, but only by doing can I actually learn.  Only by doing can I actually accomplish.  Only by doing can I mess up, cry, give up, pull myself up, and start over again.  So I fumble through , and I do the things I don't want to do.  And each time, those things get a little easier.

Oh how things have changed in these 14 short months.


Caught a glimpse

Today I stayed with my great friend Kari's little guy, Benjamin.  I caught a *small* glimpse of what it might be like to be the mom of two boys.  Although, I don't think it's possible (except with adoption!) to have two children that are only 3 months apart.  Benny is a delight.  He was a little upset when his mama first left, but we went for a walk and he soon fell asleep.  I dreamed a little while I walked.  One baby on my back, one in the stroller I pushed in front of me.  "So," I thought, "this is a little what it's like."

In that moment, when both boys were very content to be walking around the block, it seemed like something I might be able to do.  Someday.


berries, burn, and the death of a faithful friend

Oh Happy Day!  I lost 1.4 pounds!  I lost the poundage I gained
 last week plus a pound more!  Thank you God!

Yesterday Isaac and I went berry picking with our good friends Kayla, Madeline, and Aubrey. Isaac loves being around other kids so much....and it seems he especially likes these two.

We were out there picking raspberries for a good 2 hours!  Isaac and the girls did great, wandering up and down the rows of berries.  At one point I looked at Isaac and his cheeks were red with heat.  I took him to our friend's van to change his diaper and give him a reprieve from the hot sun.  I must say, the sunscreen I got works wonderfully!  At the end of it all he left with only a little pinkness on his arms and his cheeks.  I, on the other hand, have a bright red neck, a red patch on my right arm, a red patch my left knee pit, and redness on both sides of my face.  It's weird how sometimes I only get burned in certain places.  I must say the back of the neck one is really sensitive!

Sadly, I couldn't be absolutely happy while we were berry picking.  Earlier that day a good friend of mine, who I've known for 7 years, and who has helped me out countless times, passed away.  I know it's rare, but I was able to get a picture of my friend's demise.  He will be missed.

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