Mama the Grouch

I tend to give up on things.  I have an idea - I'm fired up, excited, ready, willing, eager, hopeful.  We try it.  It doesn't work.  I'm ready to give up.  Forget it.  Why did I even try?  How could I ever have thought this would work?

This morning was the first time trying our new routine with Isaac.  Scratch that.  I don't want to call it a routine.  I want to call it....something else.  What, I don't know.  A new mindset maybe.  I different way of looking at things.  She suggested we give him food before formula.  I tried scrambled eggs and a piece of toast with marionberry jam on it.  Who would refuse that?

My son would refuse that.  And not just refuse, but get upset, cry, squirm, fight, fuss, push.  Finally I tried some rice cereal.  Three bites and then it was back to refusing it.

I stormed out of the room.

I blame it on three things: 1)it was 7:30 am.  I am not a morning person.  I was grouchy.  2)I was so excited that we had a new idea about getting Isaac to eat more.  Surely giving him food when he's starving in the morning would work. 3)I want him to eat more so that he can be at a healthy weight, and HE JUST WON'T!

My patient husband stayed with him and kept trying.  I was sulking in the nursery and I heard him practically cooing at Isaac, talking in a normal tone, asking him what he needed, what he wanted.  Finally Andrew took him out of the high chair and gave him his bottle, of which he drank maybe 1/2 an ounce.

It's so frustrating!  I want what is best for him.

Why is it that when we go to a friend's house, he'll eat them out of house and home?

What is really bothering me?  My pride maybe.  I want people to think that I'm capable of nourishing my child.  That I am able to get him to eat, because "mama knows best."  I want his doctor to know that I'm capable, just like most of those other moms out there whose sons are smack dab in the middle of the growth chart, exactly where they should be.  I don't want them to think I'm a bad mom.  Bad mom.  I can't do it.  Why can't I do it?

So, it all boils down to me.  What I want, what I need.  I really do want him to be healthy, so that he can be happy, so that the doctor will be happy, so that I WILL BE HAPPY.  Hmm.  How can I stop being so selfish and start thinking more of his needs?

I turn to the only place I can find pure, unadulterated wisdom and strength.  Jesus.  He knows my weaknesses.  He knows I'm prideful, selfish, arrogant.  I ask Him to break me, change me, renew me.  I give Him Isaac's health, his eating habits, his place on the growth chart.  No, I can't give it to Him freely.  I want to hold on.  So I ask Him to take it.

Being a mom is so different from anything I've ever known.  Fierce sense of protection.  Overwhelming sense of worry.  Nagging feelings of failure.  It's not the same for some of you reading.  You might think "what is she talking about?  I've never been happier!"  I'm not saying I'm not happy as a mom.  Yesterday when Isaac sat with me watching Little House I had to hold back tears of joy when he looked up at me and stared into my eyes.  He knows me.  He loves me.  I'm his Mama.  But being his Mama is just - different.  Different than anything I've ever experienced.  I'm learning the hard lessons.  I'm being removed of sinful habits...they are being sifted and pounded and baked out of me - and it hurts.

So I turn to Him.  And He tells me that although he won't take away the pain yet, He's holding me through it, and He'll be there to bandage up my wounds at the end.

We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope.
And this hope will never disappoint us, because
God has poured out his love to fill our hearts.
Romans 5:3-5

1 comment:

  1. Oh wren, it makes me sad to hear you say that you feel like a failure at times. Kids are not cookie cutters. They are unique, just as God made them and intended them to be. It's ok that Isaac is small; like you said earlier, he is happy, healthy, growing and thriving. I know it is hard, but don't worry what other people think. you are a TERRIFIC mother; you love Isaac more than anything in the world, and clearly, you will do anything for him - you will try so many things. Keep your head up; keep focus on Christ; and know that the boy He has created is just perfect. :) Love ya!!


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