7.27.2011

disconnect

Somewhere there's a disconnect.

Between me and my friends.  Me and my family.  Me and myself.

I feel a little lost, hanging in the balance of work, life, church, love, motherhood.  Where do I fit in?  What should I be doing differently?  What am I doing right?

I'm disconnected from the music I used to love.  My fingers are unlined and tender, where there were once callouses.

I go to church, but I don't feel really there.  I'm thinking about my son in the nursery with people who are practically strangers.  I'm feeling light headed because I haven't eaten breakfast yet.  My legs are still wobbly with sleep.  I'm longing for more sleep.  The study is good, God's word is GOOD.  But I feel arrogant and think, "I've heard it all before."

At work I'm tired.  So tired.  Tired of dealing with other people's problems.  Tired of adapting to everyone around me, and them never adapting to me.  Weary of playing the part of someone who cares.  I want to care.  I used to care.

I love home.  I'm distracted at home.  I want to watch the Teen Mom and the 4 Little Houses that I taped. I want to go for a walk in the cool evening air.  I want to go to bed early.  Those other things, like family and fellowship, they can wait.  But how long?

Friends.  Well, I have them, I think.  I have a few friends that are in similar life situations as me.  But we don't see each other.  Maybe it's me: I've been so distant for so long.  They all got tired of it and decided to quit trying.  The ones that do try, well, there's always something to come up and change our plans or prevent us from following through.  Or they (or I) live too far away.

I'm living in the land of "how things could be" instead of living in the land of "how things are."  More than a few times I've been told that I need to put down some roots here and see what grows.  There's always something holding me back from planting anything.  I'm always waiting for what's around the corner.

How do I love and accept what's happening right now?

3 comments:

  1. Ahhhh... yes I can relate. What is it about becoming a mommy that causes our social sides to clam up like a roly-poly? I think there is so much more energy, physical and emotional going out from us into our child that we feel like we have less to give to outside relationships. And maybe we do? Yet we need them. Such a dilemma!

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  2. I REALLY love your blog. Just randomly checked it tonight even though i thought you quit, but since you're back on FB, thought you might be here too. And ta da! here you are. But now i'm trying to catch up. Anyway, i might not comment much, but i will be lurking. :-) Your writing reminds me a lot of me during my first round of mommyhood. You're doing a great job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I REALLY love your blog. Just randomly checked it tonight even though i thought you quit, but since you're back on FB, thought you might be here too. And ta da! here you are. But now i'm trying to catch up. Anyway, i might not comment much, but i will be lurking. :-) Your writing reminds me a lot of me during my first round of mommyhood. You're doing a great job!

    ReplyDelete

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