These days, I see a lot of Isaac's backside.  And, I don't mean his butt.  I mean his back.  The back of him.

Meaning, he's going away from me.  Sometimes RUNNING away from me.  I say his name, he gets up and goes the other way.  Where to?  Anywhere I am not.  Towards what?  Anything that doesn't involve me.

I'm not hurt.  I know this is normal.  He's growing, changing, learning, exploring, testing.

We went to the beach and he/didn't/stop.  NOT ONCE.  He was chasing after a dog who was chasing after a ball (all the time pointing and saying "oey" which is his word for anything furry with four legs - it's him trying to say his grandma's dog's name - Zoey).  He was moving towards bright colored toys that weren't his.  He was walking fearlessly into the waves, only turn back around and walk out, turn back around and walk in, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I picked him up, he squirmed and balked.  He ran over and played a quick game of soccer with a cute little boy about the same age as he is.  He laughed in delight when a little dog ran up to him.  He splashed in the waves, threw sand in his friend's face, ate sand, rolled in sand, got sand in his eye, his hair, his diaper....

....and the whole time I followed.  Put my hand behind him when he looked like he might teeter over.  My back baked in the sun for 2 hours while I didn't sit down, didn't relax, didn't get to visit with my friend, didn't do anything - except watch out for my son.

So you can imagine the joy I felt when this evening, more than once, a sleepy buddy crawled up onto my lap, nuzzled his face into my neck, and put an arm around my back.  He came to me!  I didn't chase him or cajole.  He came to me because he wanted to.

What a picture of how I am with Jesus!  He's always there, following me around, with His hand on the small of my back because I look like I might teeter over.  I'm always running towards the next thing.  The grass will be greener over here.  Or - if only we had this or lived there.

And He's there.  My heavenly Father.  Telling me, as I run away towards the next best thing, that He wants to be with me.  He wants to spend time with me.  He is more than any of those things I run away from Him for.  Right now I'm learning that I need to stop, turn around, put my arms around His strong neck, put my face against His chest, and rest.  Only then will I find what I'm looking for.


A Monday to be thankful

I'm taking this idea from a blog that I read.  Lists of gratitude!  There is so much to be thankful for, and I like the idea of listing it....it's a good reminder for me and maybe helpful to those few who read this.  Here we go.  This week I'm especially thankful for:

  • Warm weather.  I complain about it, but I will miss the sun when it hides it's face for 9+ months.  It's nice to replenish my vitamin D and see some freckles on my skin.
  • A son who brings me book after book to read to him.
  • Teen Mom on MTV
  • Fans
  • A son who sleeps through the night (most nights).
  • A husband who loves me.
  • Being able to crawl our way towards being debt free.
  • A job that is part time and close to home.
  • A boss who loves Jesus.
  • The internet.
  • Friends who travel an hour to see me.
  • Family who loves me.
  • Running water.
  • Blackberry preserves.
What are you especially thankful for this week?  Do you ever find it hard to be thankful?


Free Samples!

I love it when there are free samples waiting in my mailbox!  Today I got three!

Quick Catch Up

Friday is here, finally.  The week felt so long.  I only work three days a week, and I am so thankful for that.  I never imagined, at such a young age, that I could have a part time job.  Those three days, however, feel like many more.  We have a few new systems at work to help our practice run more smoothly and be more profitable, and they are necessary, but they make things a bit tedious.  It's not exciting for me to be there for 10 hours.  I will not complain, because I'm lucky and thankful and blessed beyond belief to have a job.  

This morning Isaac stayed in his crib and quiet until 8 am.  I think that he was awake much earlier than that, but he just hung out while I stayed in bed.  What a blessing that was!  I actually didn't feel the need to take a nap when he did this morning.  I drank some tea, played around on facebook, and got some cleaning done.  I felt, for the first time in a long time, full of energy.  It's something that I welcome, because it doesn't happen very often.

Weight Watchers is going ok.  I've been doing pretty poorly.  I need to get into the mind set that it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle!  I need to track more regularly, too.  If I'm paying money each month to go to the meetings, I really need to get my butt in gear and get some results.  I don't have extra money to just be throwing at something that I'm not following.  I don't think I've gained any weight,  but I haven't been losing any, either.  And, isn't that the point?  I've done better these past few days, but being at work so long and being tired and not being prepared has tempted me to buy fast food and take the easy way out.  I wasn't just tempted, I actually did it. I'm not giving up, though, and each meal is a new one to try and do better.

Isaac is growing up and learning and changing....he can drink through a straw now!  He also had his first lunch out at a Mexican restaurant with me and his grandma.  He did so well, it was fun.  He enjoys reading books, hates having his teeth brushed, is trying to transition to one nap (and making life around here a little hectic because of it), he's weaning off of formula, he loves to be outside more than anything else, and he's constantly in motion.  It's a fun and challenging time in his life.  I'm excited for him to start saying and doing more things.


shorter are the days

It feels later than it is, because it's practically dark outside and it's only 9:30.  Just a few weeks ago it would still be somewhat light at this time.  I'm getting excited because that means my favorite season is on the way!  Call me crazy.  I mean, we've only had, what, 10-15 good days of summer here, and I'm already wishing for fall?  I don't know.  I just love it.  Colors, sweaters, Halloween, cool evenings that make sleep easier....not to mention that Isaac has some cute jackets that he'll actually fit into this fall!  I'm striving to enjoy summer while it lasts, but I will NOT be sad if fall decides to come a bit early.

Weight Watchers has been quite the struggle these past 2 weeks.  I'm not sure why.  I mean, I know that I feel better and look better when I eat well and exercise, but I still don't want to do it.  I gained .2 lbs this last week, so I'm hovering right at the "lost 5 pounds" mark.  Now, I know that 5 pounds is SOMETHING, but it's still not enough something.  I'd like to lose a good 15-20 more.  It's not going to come off if I eat chocolate ice cream and turkey burgers, and drink regular soda.  I want to find some motivation, but where can I find it?

Tuesday and I'm already exhausted.  It's hard to believe that I once worked full time :)  I'm sure the junk food I've been eating isn't helping that exhaustion.

A few short weeks till I travel to Southern California to visit my family.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but it's all a bit shadowed by the fact that I'll be travelling with a 15 month old.  A sweet, adorable, snuggly, hug-gable, wonderful, hilarious 15 month old - but nonetheless, a 15 month old.  It's not too far.  The whole trip will only take around 3 hours (one lay over).  Once we get there, though, how will he do?  Will he be able to take naps and sleep at night in a completely strange location?  Will he eat?  Will he do well with the travelling we'll have to do in the car?  It's all a complete mystery to me, and I'm not a fan of the unknown.  I've been doing a lot of praying these past couple weeks.  That is one thing I can hold onto.  In all the mystery and uncertainty, God is constant.  He will help.


Learning By Doing

When I was pregnant I read, and read, and read.  Everything and anything I could read about pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, breastfeeding, formula feeding, c-sections, use of pacifiers.....if I found it, I read it.  I watched so many Baby Stories, Make Room for Multiples, and Birth Days on TLC that I started to see reruns.  I attended a birth class and had my labor and delivery planned.  I knew how everything was going to go.

Or so I thought.

I learned that things don't always go as planned when I started having pre-term contractions at 29 weeks, went to the hospital to have those contractions stopped twice, and then was put on modified bed rest at 30 weeks.  When I went into labor 3 days early, had painful back labor, tried for 12 hours without medication and then finally begged for medication, and then struggled for two hours to push my son out, I learned that there is no way anyone can plan their labor and delivery.

After getting up 6-8 times every night for 9 months to feed my waking son, having countless days when my newborn would cry and I couldn't figure out why, trying to take trips to Target because "everyone else's baby just sleeps in their car seat in the cart, so mine will too" only to find out that I couldn't even leave the car because my son was so upset and having to turn around and go right back home.... I learned that every baby is different.

When my son refused to breast feed at ten months old, and I pleaded and tried and kept pumping only to get an ounce or 2 a day and a very upset child, I accepted the fact that I would start giving him formula.

And now, with Isaac eating solid foods, I have to bite my tongue and close my eyes not to get upset every time he throws the food on the ground after eating two bites.  Every time he refuses to eat anything, even though he hasn't eaten in a long time, and I know that according to the charts he's on the thinner side and I've been given tons of advice on how to get him to plump up and eat more, I just have to go with it.

I can ask others, I can read, I can research, I can plan, I can hope.  None of those things are bad things, but only by doing can I actually learn.  Only by doing can I actually accomplish.  Only by doing can I mess up, cry, give up, pull myself up, and start over again.  So I fumble through , and I do the things I don't want to do.  And each time, those things get a little easier.

Oh how things have changed in these 14 short months.


Caught a glimpse

Today I stayed with my great friend Kari's little guy, Benjamin.  I caught a *small* glimpse of what it might be like to be the mom of two boys.  Although, I don't think it's possible (except with adoption!) to have two children that are only 3 months apart.  Benny is a delight.  He was a little upset when his mama first left, but we went for a walk and he soon fell asleep.  I dreamed a little while I walked.  One baby on my back, one in the stroller I pushed in front of me.  "So," I thought, "this is a little what it's like."

In that moment, when both boys were very content to be walking around the block, it seemed like something I might be able to do.  Someday.

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