and I know that it's the devil

I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Last night, I finished chapter four teary eyed.  Something felt so good.  New, refreshing.  I don't know, just good.  The real kind of good that's not tainted.  Authentic.

I put the book down and went into Isaac's room to start the humidifier.

(A few nights ago, Isaac woke up coughing.  It was a scary kind of cough, because he was wheezing each time he drew in a breath.  I got him up and struggled with my night vision eyes to get the humidifier out and working.  When it all was said and done he was just fine, but I've been running the humidifier at night just in case.  Is it ok to put this many sentences inside parenthesis?)

I sat down beside Isaac's crib and looked at his long, thick eye lashes fluttering.  I said a prayer for him and thanked God for him.  After all, that's what the book One Thousand Gifts is about: learning to be truly thankful for everything.

On my way out I felt a sense of peace around me, and was ready to hit the sheets.  Suddenly I saw something I fear greatly: a huge, disgusting spider.  It was on the floor of the bathroom.  I had the light on in the bathroom and the door just cracked.  The light coming through was enough to cast the spider's shadow onto the carpet, making it look exceedingly large and evil.  I stopped in my tracks and drew in a sharp breath.  No.

The spider was a good 10 feet away from me, but I still hugged the wall as I walked past, trying to get even farther away from it.  As I walked in front of it, I felt my heart start to beat faster, and my feet followed suit.  I has my hand on my chest in a fist.  (even as I'm writing this, I'm looking around me to make sure another one isn't lurking.)

I woke up my sweet, sleeping husband.  I felt bad about it.  But, I can't get close enough to a spider to kill it.  Unless of course I am the only one at home, because if I don't kill it I'l be constantly thinking it's made it's way into the same room I'm in and that any minute it will pounce....

....A got out of bed dutifully and made his way to the hall bathroom.  He said, "oh my gosh" on his way to get a shoe.  So, it was big!  It wasn't just my imagination!!  He killed the fiend.

The death of that arachnid did not calm my fear.  I shook out all the blankets, looked in every corner of my room.  I stayed awake for AN HOUR after the incident, because I knew that I couldn't sleep.  What if it's brother came back for revenge?

I know it's stupid.  Really, I do.  We all have our fears, and that just happens to be one of mine.  The thing that gets me is, I know it was the devil. I was finally in a place where I was feeling peaceful.  I was trying to live in the moment and thank God for everything.  How can I thank Him for something that I hate so much?  I can be thankful that the devil putting that spider in my path was a sign that God was working in me - and that the devil didn't like that.  There.  Thank you God, for obstacles like spiders (jerks) who stumble into my path when I'm going the right way.  Thank you that satan sees what you are doing, and doesn't like it, and tries to rattle me.  That must mean that the something you are doing is pretty great.

1 comment:

  1. It must be genetic... I have been dealing with my fear of spiders since we moved. We never had bugs in our 2nd floor apartment, but now that we have a house, there are quite a few. One day when I rearranged the playroom, there was a giant spider in a metal bin. The only other thing in the bin was a pinwheel, so my plan was to pull the pinwheel out and quickly place a large tupperware type lid on the bin and get rid of the spider. Well, as I pulled out the pinwheel, the spider jumped into the air, almost out of the bin. (the bin is about 10-12 inches high)!! YOu can imagine my scream and see me running away. Thankfully the spider remained in the bin (the spider was so big and grotesque that you could hear his legs clicking on the metal when it jumped!! blech! I managed the hold the lid on the bin (and could feel him jumping against it.... so gross!) I wanted to klll it but was afraid he's get away or jump on me or something, so I opened the back door and flung the entire bin as far away from the house as I could. barfaroni. It took days to get that out of my mind. I too worried that he'd some back in revenge. And you can bet that the devil uses our fears to paralyze us from truly living or focusing on God.


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