More than once a day, I find myself longing for everything I don't have.
I read countless blogs. They make me long to be that which I am not.
Just a few examples: I wish I lived on a farm. Seeing pictures of cute, chubby, little hands hold chicks or eggs or gigantic cucumbers from a larger than life, thriving garden in the middle of a picture-perfect field of billowing, golden wheat while being able to hear the babble of a white-blue stream on a sunny autumn day-- this makes me want to live on a farm. I have never lived on a farm. As a child I visited a friend of mine who lived in an enormous, old farm house. We played in big, grassy fields. We rode her horse, we swung on the tire swing until the sun finally peeled itself out of our grasp and set over the surrounding oak trees.
In reality, I'm too lazy to be a farmer. I love sleep too much. I far too afraid of bugs to dig in a garden. I'm not skilled to cook things from scratch day after day. I'm just too lazy.
I read blogs of extremely crafty mamas. How do they do it? I've tried to do it. I mean, I made curtains for my son's room. My son, who doesn't care that the stitching isn't straight or that I ripped that seam open again and again. Painting, how I wish I could! But, I cannot. I don't think I'm patient enough for crafts.
Which brings me to the things I am not. Energetic. Patient. Quick to think the best of someone. Forgiving. Hard working. Diligent. And everyday I wish I were all of these things.
Lately I've been on a journey to find out who I am. I know what I am not and what I cannot do. But who am I? What can I do? What is my purpose in this world? God, why am I here?