The Issue is Trust

The lesson I've been struggling to learn for the past few months is trust.  Not the kind of trust where someone stands behind you and you trust them to catch you when you fall backwards, no, no, that's on too small of a scale.  This kind of trust is as if I was standing at the edge of a cliff, everything hanging in the balance, and trusting that I will not stumble and fall off the cliff, but if I do, I will be caught.  Not only will I be caught, but I'll be held.

I've always been afraid of lots of things.  I've always been nervous.  I've always worried, agonized, fretted.  Becoming a mom only magnified those worries.  People tell me, callously, to get over it.  So I try to get over it.  I don't watch the news.  I don't look at MSN.  I don't read the paper.  I avoid negative conversations about bad things happening.  But I'm still not "over it."

I suppose I've been learning to trust all my life, but the first big challenge of trust happened when Isaac was born 2 years ago.  I had to trust that we would be safe driving to the hospital.  Trust that the nurses were taking care of me while I was in labor.  Trust that the doctors (because there were about 4 in and out over the course of labor/delivery) would catch Isaac as he entered the world.  Trust that the nurse knew what she was talking about when she helped us take care of our newborn.  Many trust situations followed: trust that my milk would come in, trust that I would eventually know the feeling of being rested again (even if it wasn't for years to come), trust that Isaac would keep breathing as he slept, trust family to take care of him when I made that painful move back to work.

Then Isaac was in the hospital at 16 months, and again at 2 years.  My ability to trust was stretched farther than I thought it could go.  I came to a point where I didn't even have the ability to try anymore and I had to let it go, and that's when I felt something click.


It was like a light bulb turned on inside of me.  I had been trying to trust for so long.  I had been willing myself to trust for so long.  Only when I got to the lowest point was I actually able to "get over it." (Did I mention that I hate that phrase?  So unfeeling.)  It was nothing that I could do in and of myself.  I had to stop trying completely.  It wasn't like I heard an audible voice, or saw the clouds part.  I just didn't feel worried.  My son was hooked up to multiple machines for breathing, monitoring, medicating...and I was able to sit and watch it all without falling apart (well I did cry at one point from sheer exhaustion, and because I missed my husband, but that's a little different!)  Something inside me (nothing of myself!) knew that it was going to be ok.  I didn't long for someone to come and hold my hand.  I didn't need anyone else to be there at all.  God was with me.  I have a feeling He was smiling.  If I could have heard Him, He might have said something like, "it's about time.  How long you've been holding onto this.  So long I've been trying to show you that you CAN trust me."

I can't explain the feeling of it.  It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me.

The past couple days have tested my ability to trust God.  Isaac has had a high fever for no apparent reason, and that has caused me to worry.  I slipped back into my old self, thinking thoughts like, "what if his breathing is affected?  What if he has to go to the hospital again? What if, what if, what if..."

The first night he was miserable, so neither of us slept much.  I had the urge to check on him, literally, every 5 minutes.  I wanted to put my hand on his chest and feel his breathing - too fast???  I wanted to put my hand on his forehead and feel the heat coming off him...had it lessened at all?

I realized I couldn't check on him that often.  He wouldn't get any sleep and neither would I!  So I laid in my bed and I sang the song based on this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6) 

I sang the song probably 50 times in my head until a miracle happened!  I fell asleep! 

The other issues of trust are ones that I'm not permitted to talk about yet, because they are still in the works.  But they are going to require me letting go completely, not trying to hold onto them, and possibly repeating the above verse, or singing the song it's based on, 100 times a day. 

I'm not trying to say I've mastered it.  On the contrary!  I realized I will NEVER master it, and the only way to really trust is to rely on God's strength to get me through.  I can't do it alone, and that, somehow, is very comforting.

Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.


A Monday to be Thankful

I haven't done this in awhile, and I need to get back into it.  It helps me so much to be thankful in all things - even when those things are tough.  So, here we go.

This Monday I'm thankful for the easy things:
-Cherry Coke
-Toddlers that take naps
-Strawberry Wafers
-My iPhone

The not-so-easy things:
-being very uncomfortable because of pregnancy
-dealing with a two year old
-how weak I am, knowing that it means I NEED God

What are you thankful for today?  What things can you give thanks to God for, even if it's not easy?

Here's hoping you have a splendid week!


Cast your cares

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  Psalm 55:22

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.  Psalm 94:19

 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18  


What Isaac might say about being 2

Hi, I'm Isaac.  I just turned 2.

My dadda is my hero and best friend!  Mama is pretty cool, but she always makes me take naps when I don't want to, and encourages me to use the big boy potty when I'm not quite ready yet.  She also doesn't like me to eat stickers, which I really love to do.

I love playing and Grandma and Papa's house.  I have a sandbox, a basketball hoop, and many other great toys there.  I also get to watch Cars 2 as much as I want, although I think Grandma is getting pretty sick of that movie!

I have to use something they call "an inhaler" twice a day now.  I guess it's because I spent a few nights in that big building with all those nice people constantly checking on me when I was trying to sleep.  At first using it really scared me, but now I don't mind it so much.  The little mask tickles my nose.

I know some colors: red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, white, and black.  When I'm not sure what color something is, I guess them all until Mama or Dadda smiles and says, "yes!"  My favorite colors are yellow and green.

I love to play outside with my dogs Leela and Kate.  I like to play in my little blue pool with water toys, too.  The weather has been rainy lately, so I haven't been able to go outside very much.  Mama tells me that I will as soon as it gets warm and sunny again.

My obsession is cars.  Green cars, red cars, Jeeps, trucks, cars.  Anything with wheels!

I still use my lovey and pacifier when I take naps and go to sleep at night.  I see Mama eyeballing them like she's going to take them away soon...but I think I can convince her otherwise.

I don't understand, yet, that soon I'll have a baby sister.  I know my Mama has a big belly and she points to it and says, "baby," but that doesn't mean anything to me right now. 
I like going to church, but I don't like when we have to leave.  I love playing with all my friends!

I'm a toddler.  I want that piece of pizza now, I don't care if it's going to burn my mouth!  I want to run, play, yell, laugh, and be free to explore.

I am very loved.
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