3.24.2013

Some Days

 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Some days feel impossible.  Some days I wonder why God intended for me to be a mom.  Some days I wonder how I can last even 1 more minute without crying, yelling, or just giving up.

Today was one of those days.

I love my kids.  My existence is wrapped up in theirs.  I don't remember who I was before them.  I think about them when I'm not with them.  I worry about their futures.  I love them.  And lots of days, I'd say most days, that love is hugs, holding hands, laughing, sweet memories.

But some days, the love I feel for them is hard.  So hard.  Like trying to breathe in a room that's full of smoke.  Like walking in quick sand that's thick, and up to my waist. Some days the love I feel for them isn't something that comes naturally.  It's something that I have to choose continuously.  It's something that I have to do, even though I don't want to.  And I usually don't want to because I'm tired, or not feeling well, and all around just too selfish.

Today was one of those days.

How can I tell my toddler to "be patient" when I have no patience?  How can I ask him to "be nice" when I'm not always nice?  How can I expect him to listen, sit still, obey...when I haven't figured out to do those things in my own life?  Hypocrite!

Some days I have to reach out to my friends and ask them to pray for me, because I just don't have the words to pray for myself.  Some days I have to leave the room and take a few minutes to breath, because I don't want to say something to my toddler that I'll regret.  Some days I have to look at my husband and just shake my head, because there are no words.

Today was one of those days.

Now I'm sitting in a quiet room.  Both of my kids are asleep.  If I were to peek in on them, they'd look like angels with their eye lashes fluttering and their cheeks soft and pink.  And they are angels.  They are fighting against their limited understanding of this world. They are searching for answers to all their questions.  They are longing for someone to love them despite their faults and unending curiosities.  Sitting here, I remember that some days it's all a mom can do to make sure that her kids are fed, safe, and healthy, and that not always being a super mom is ok.

Today was one of those days.

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad to see you gave yourself grace at the end. And, if we never taught anything until we had mastered it ourselves, we'd never teach anything! If it makes you feel any better, dyeing easter eggs yesterday about gave me a heart attack and I yelled at my son, and had to apologize. And maybe, the apologizing is the thing that teaches them most of all.

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