4.16.2014

Still Fighting It

When I was a kid, all I ever aspired to be was an adult.
When we went to the grocery store, I wanted to be a checker when I grew up, because she was an adult.
When we went to Sea World, I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, because they were adults.
When we saw the garbage man pick up our trash, I wanted to be a garbage man when I grew up, because he was an adult.
Most kids had specific dreams.  She wants to be a teacher.  He wants to be a pilot.  He wants to play professional football.  Me, I just wanted to grow up.
Nothing was more appealing to me than being a grown up.  Grown ups had complete freedom.  They could eat whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.  They could watch whatever TV they wanted to.  They could come and go as they pleased, didn't have any curfews, didn't have to go to school everyday.  Grown ups had money to buy things, anything they wanted.  Grown ups traveled the world, usually had a significant other to love them perfectly, owned big houses with fridges full of colorful drinks.  Being a grown up, being an adult, that's all I ever wanted.
So here I am, an adult.  This year I'll be 30 years old.  I am married and I have 2 small children.  It doesn't get much more grown up than that. 
Now that I'm an adult, I find myself wishing I was a kid again.  Kids are taken care of.  There is (at least in my case, because I was very blessed) usually an adult around to make sure that the kid is fed, clothed, hydrated, entertained, tucked in at night, sang to, read to, played with, taken on adventures.  When the kid is sick, there is usually an adult there to help them feel comfortable until they feel better, or take them to the hospital if the need is dire. 
Being an adult isn't how I thought it would be.  Instead of being taken care of, you take care of others.  And all that money adults had when I was little, it's used to pay for electricity, car insurance, home mortgage, gas, new tires, clothes, heat, food.  There isn't always much, if any, left over for glamorous world travel in first class, shopping sprees every weekend, or pedicures and hot stone massages. 
But there are somethings that I have now, as an adult, that I didn't have when I was a kid.  Wisdom. I'm so wise! Hahahah, ok not really. But I am wiser as a 30 year old than I was as a 20 year old. I have the wisdom that comes from making one poor decision after another. I have the wisdom that comes from learning the hard way. I have the wisdom that comes from dropping to my knees and weeping bitterly to God again, and again, and again....and I'm wiser because I see him redirect my path again, and again, and again. The wisdom from finally seeing something through - only in Christ's strength of course.
Another thing : awareness. Since I know I am a repeat offending sinner, I know how greatly I need a sinner-loving savior!  This world is a wretched place, but every time I see something horrid on the news, I'm drawn once again to God.  I'm aware of the disgusting things that happen here among the human race, and therefore I must cling all the stronger to Him who is still/in/control.
So yes, there are times when being a kid is appealing, because being so greatly needed and having so much to do is overrated and exhausting.  But wishing I was something else, somewhere else...that's not what I'm called to do.  I strive to find things about being an adult that are wonderful, and that I wouldn't trade.  This is the day that the Lord has made, may I be able to rejoice and be glad in it. Today. Now. As an adult.
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